


salvation at the end of the world.

by orphan_account



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Zombie Apocalypse, F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-02-22
Updated: 2017-04-16
Packaged: 2018-05-22 17:10:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 9,075
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6087772
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There was something almost mundane about how things progressed. It was almost as if it wasn’t the end of the world, like every day wasn’t a constant battle to survive, if she closed her eyes she could pretend that everything was normal. Zombie AU.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. chapter one.

**Author's Note:**

> This idea took hold and wouldn't leave till I started writing it out. It's probably a mess but maybe you'll like it? Just a heads up it's not dialogue heavy so if that's what you're looking for you might not want to read this. I'm also sorry for any errors, I tried my best to look it over and make sure it was okay but I no doubt probably overlooked some.

i.

The sun is about to set, hanging low in the sky and sending the glare of sunlight into her eyes, and Rey has to use one hand (the one that isn’t gripping her staff) to shield her vision from the light that is threatening her sight. It isn’t long now before she reaches her home and she’s thankful that despite the hitch in her plan that she’ll still make it home before dark giving her enough daylight to do a perimeter check of the property before calling it a night.

However, this one positive point in her day doesn’t take away the sinking feeling in her chest that is a reminder of just how much of the day she wasted and for what, a couple of cans of food? It wasn’t bad but it wasn’t good either. Her haul has been getting continually smaller than normal because her usual haunts are dwindling down each time she goes. Which means she’s going to have to travel further out of her realm of comfort and possibly in the dark which isn’t ideal.

Perhaps she could find a new location to stay— But no, that’s out of the question.

The house she is approaching is her _home_ and while she’s aware that she should’ve left ages ago she can’t bring herself to pack up the essentials and leave. She just simply can’t, not when her parents are still out there and could come back. At least that’s what she has to tell herself because it’s easier to believe in a delusion than face the truth. The ugly truth that there’s probably no one coming back for her.

 

ii.

When she opens her eyes the sun is shining bright in the sky, spilling through her windows, and she wastes no time before she stretches and goes about her daily ritual.

She leans over blowing out the candle beside her, preserving what little is left of the wax, and grabs the marker from her bedside table and draws another line on her wall. Each line signifying another day that she’s been alone living in this hell. Another day without her family. She tries not to dwell on it because there’s no point in it because she’s got to survive, keep fighting the good fight, because despite everything this world is still theirs: the living. 

It’s what she reminds herself of every day she gets out of bed. 

Today is no different expect today, thanks to her currently dwindling supply, she now has to resort to raiding houses which she never wanted to do. But she will do what she has to in order to survive and this simply is safer than traveling at night alone. This is what she tells herself as she grabs her pack from the corner of her bedroom and puts it on her back before she travels out onto the empty street that is littered with abandoned cars and blood strains. It makes her feel a little better about her choice, she knows for a fact that the houses in close vicinity have been empty – she’s been watching – and her only concern with taking food from people’s homes was not wanting to appear as a threat to anyone or take food that belonged to someone else. But, most of these people weren’t coming back.

The first couple houses that were unlocked were picked over but she managed to find some toothpaste, a few bandages, and stale crackers which she was happy to find. It didn’t matter that they were stale not anymore because it was subsistence and that’s all that mattered now a days. Quantity over quality. 

By the fifth house she got lucky.

There she was staring into a cupboard full of perishable food and that should have been her first clue that this was too good to be true but her excitement at finding this deluded her logic. As she reached out to grab some of the food to put into her pack she felt herself being pulled up against another’s chest with a knife held at her throat, the metal sinking into her skin enough to know she was in danger but not deep enough to draw blood.

“What do you think you’re doing?” The question was spoken roughly into her ear and it allowed her to deduce that the person holding her was male.

Before she allowed herself to speak she counted to ten (twice over) to try and calm her nerves, not wanting to let this stranger clue into the fact that she was terrified. Rey was fully capable of taking care of herself but she allowed herself to be distracted and end up in this compromising position where she didn’t have the upper hand. The best she could do was maintain her ground.

“I don’t mean any harm, I was only looking for food.” She explained quietly hoping that this explanation would suffice. 

“Give me one reason why I should trust you.”

“I can’t do that–” She started to reply but she felt the blade press down harder into her throat, “No matter what I say there’s always room for doubt. You just have to take my word for it.”

Much to her relief she felt his grip loosen and her nerves lessened to some extent allowing her to assess the situation, to try and collect bits of information that may be useful. Due to where her head was pressed up against his chest she could conclude that he was tall but that’s not all she was able to tell, she could feel the dampness that was seeping into her back. It could be sweat but it was contained in one specific spot… It must be blood.

“You’re hurt.” She exclaimed and she wanted to turn around, to see if her proclamation held any truth, but she couldn’t. “Am I right?”

He didn’t reply.

“I can help you.” She hoped that if she helped him he’d let her go, trust her not to bring harm to him.

He seemed to weigh his options and decided to take a chance on her because he let go and she spun around holding her hands up to prove that she wasn’t going to try to kill him.

She was right, he was very tall. He loomed over her and she took the time to give him a once over. He was dressed clad in black which did nothing for her in terms of being able to address his wound to see how bad it was.

“Were you bit?” She questioned at once and it wasn’t an absurd question considering the current state of the world but even so he glowered at her.

“No.” The word was spat out as if the questioned had offended him and she wanted to laugh. She was just trying to help him and he wasn’t giving anything to go off of.

Clearly, she wasn’t going to get much out of him and she decided that the talking approach just would suffice and instead took to slowly approaching him, very slowly, as if she was dealing with a wild animal that could attack if startled and allow him enough time to change his mind or stop her but instead he simply stood where he was staring at her.

Once she was in front of him she pulled up his shirt revealing a gunshot wound in his side.

It was probably something he could’ve dealt with himself that much he probably knew, but she was just glad that he removed the knife from her throat and allow her a chance to prove she wasn’t a threat to him.

 

iii.

There was something almost mundane about how things progressed. It was almost as if it wasn’t the end of the world, like every day wasn’t a constant battle to survive, if she closed her eyes she could pretend that everything was normal.

After that first meeting where he held her at knife point she fixed his wound in silence and then left not wanting to chance staying. However, the next day she couldn’t help herself but return to see how he was doing. She approached the house cautiously and before she could talk herself out of it she knocked to alert her presence; something she hadn’t done in a long time. She was certain either he wasn’t there or he wanted her to go away which she was about to do when she heard the door open and spun around to face him. 

“Hi.” She stated suddenly, a sheepish expression on her face, and hoped that she hadn’t just made a terrible decision but as he looked at her with surprise written on his face she could tell that it wasn’t. “How is it?” She asked gesturing to where he had been shot.

“Good.” Was all he said in return and she nodded shifting her weight from one foot to the other wondering if she should leave, sensing that she was unwelcome but instead he stepped away allowing her in. It was her turn to let a surprise cross her features but she walked in sending a smile towards him.

“I’m Rey.” She stated suddenly aware that she hadn’t introduced herself.

“Ben.”

That’s how it started a simple excuse that she continued to use the following days but as the wound healed and could no longer be her reason they didn’t need excuses. They had already became used to each other’s presences she liked making him laugh, no matter how rare it was, because she loved the sound. Seeing Ben quickly became her favorite part of the day and it made her realize just how lonely she had been, how much she craved companionship.

They started to rely on each other, he’d come over with food and share his rations, and it wasn’t long before it didn’t make sense to dwell in different houses and he moved his supplies into hers with her help. Instead of being in her room alone he’d be across from her and they’d sit in silence but it was a comfortable one. Just simply being in each other’s presence was enough for them they didn’t need to always talk or share stuff. Once he had asked her about the markings on her wall and she declared them to be how long it’s been since the outbreak which was true but it wasn’t the point, it was just coincidentally the same day her parents vanished. Thankfully, he didn’t question it any further.

 

 iv.  

“REY WE HAVE TO LEAVE.” His shout is loud, insistent, and she knows he’s right. She could feel the truth of the statement in her very bones but it didn’t make it any easier. Instead of following logic she remained stuck in her spot as tears pooled in her eyes while Ben tried to tug her away.

She couldn’t leave. What if they were alive? What if they came back? What if she never saw them again? All these what if’s flooded her mind, the impossibility of ever knowing the answers was present, but it didn’t make it easy to allow Ben to pull her away. To allow him to lead her out the back door and run in the opposite direction of the oncoming herd, running hand in hand till their lungs hurt and they couldn’t physically run any further.

It was pure luck that they stumbled upon an empty cabin and decided to stay there for the night. Just one night. 

That’s when the nightmares started. 

Her eyes closed, letting sleep take hold, and allowed herself to be transported into a dream. One where she woke up in her bed with sunlight spilling through the cracks in her blinds and hear the low hum of her mom singing along to a hit on the radio. No doubt making breakfast for her and her father, it was something of a tradition in the Kenobi household. Rey followed the noise finding her mother in their kitchen but the sight wasn’t right, no, she could hear the familiar groaning noises that the dead made seeping into her dream tainting its pureness. Just like that everything changed as she watched the walkers sluggish limping towards her mother and she called out to her mother but she didn’t turn. She tried to run but couldn’t, all she could do was watch as the monster bit down into her mother’s flesh; the blood staining the floor.

Rey bolted awake her skin glowing with a layer of sweat and there Ben was beside her, concern written into his features, and reached out to smooth down her hair telling her that it was okay; that it was just a nightmare.

Every night after that he’d hold her close, chin resting atop her head, and she’d bury her face into his chest taking all the comfort that she could from his embrace. She felt a semblance of safety within his arms and she would gladly take whatever form of it she could get, especially in a world like this.

 

v.

They never stay in one place for long, never letting themselves get too comfortable in one place, and despite everything Rey was thankful for that. In some deep visceral way she knew that she’d feel guilty if she made another home for herself and maybe being on the go frequently gave her a higher chance to find her parents again.

If they were even still alive. 

Ben never talked about his parents and she never asked, figuring that if he wanted to talk about them he would and it wasn’t as if she talked about hers with him all that much either. It hurt too much to talk about them. To talk about how her mother made the best banana pancakes, about the time her dad caught her watching him fix his car one morning and how every time after he’d let her help; that everything she knew about machinery was thanks to him.  She didn’t know how to tell Ben that missing them took a piece of her away every day and she wasn’t sure if there was anything left of her; just a shell of who she once was.

They’ve been on the road for a week, maybe two, but she stopped counting down the days since they had to flee from her home. They don’t talk much and maybe it should bother her but it doesn’t. She finds that the silence is comforting, or rather the fact that they don’t have to fill the silence with words and just enjoy each other’s company.

Their presence is enough and she thinks there’s something beautiful about that.

 

vi. 

With some dumb luck they find a cottage with a generator, it’s broken but there’s tools and when she sees them her face lights up like its Christmas morning and Ben is looking at her with a bewildered expression.

“I can fix this!” She squeals gleefully. It doesn’t matter that they don’t need it and can survive well enough without it but it gives her something to do and when she does end up fixing it the ghost of a smile on his face makes it worth it.

The first thing they do once it’s fixed is revel in the luxury that is warm water, she goes first and comes out wearing clean clothes that she found in a dresser. The shirt is a little baggy but it’s not caked with dirt and blood which in the end is all that really matters.

When Ben comes out his hair is wet, hanging in his face, and dripping on the floor and she wants to wipe away the water droplets sticking to his skin but she doesn’t.

He sits across from her and she pushes the other bowl of soup that she made while he was showering across the table towards him. That first careful spoonful of chicken broth and noodles that make it past his lips has him letting out a little moan from his lips and god if she wasn’t sure that fixing the generator was worth every minute she spent trying to fix it she sure as shit is now. She tries to commit that sound to memory, files it away with all the good memories.

She’s staring at him and he looks a little sheepish, maybe even regretting his reaction but Rey smiles over at him before taking her first spoonful of soup and it’s warm and she forgot how much she loved soup.

“Damn, this is good.” She muses and they eat the rest of their dinner in silence but they both take peeks at each other throughout the duration of it.

 

vii.

Rey is laying on the bed in the little cottage that they’ve long since decided that out of practicality they should stay in. They pretend it isn’t due to the fact that they’ve been spoiled with warm water but they both know it is 100% the reason. Ben is walking into the room after doing a check around the perimeter and made sure their traps are still in working condition and she pets the spot next to her, smiling brightly at him.

She can’t remember the last time she slept alone but she doesn’t want to, she sleeps better with him next to her anyways. He lays down on his back next to her and they both stare up at the ceiling above them.

“You know what I miss?” This a game that they started playing, a dangerous game that reminds them of all the things that they will probably never get to experience again. They play it anyways.

“What?” Ben asks as he tilts his face to look at her and she does the same, her eyes taking in each feature of his face from his eyes to each freckle that is spread out on his face like a constellation. She rather look at them than the stars in the sky.

“Traffic.” Is all she says and he laughs, a throaty chuckle that makes her smile, “I’m serious. Maybe not being stuck in traffic but what it implied. That there was so many people with things to do and people to see. Now it’s just… Nothing. We’ve got nothing to do but to survive.”

He doesn’t say anything but he doesn’t need to because instead he inches his hand till its bumping against her own in that tiny space between their two bodies and she doesn’t second guess herself before she’s intertwining their fingers together.

They stay like that, staring at each other with their fingers interlocked, till they both fall asleep.  

 

viii.

They are on the hunt for any wild animals that they can cook, wanting to keep their food supply for days where they can’t catch anything, they manage to catch two rabbits and bring their haul back to skin them on the front porch. Each of them working in relative silence when she catches Ben staring at her with a dopy smile on his face.

“What?” She asks suddenly and can’t help that she smiling back.

“You got blood on your cheek.” He says finally and she furrows her eyebrows and then concludes it probably happened when she went to push a loose strand of hair from her eyes.

Before she can really react he’s leaning towards her and the pad of his finger is brushing her cheek, he’s so close and she can’t help but sit still not wanting the moment to end. There’s a lot she wants in that moment though. She wants to lean forward to run her hands through his hair and then before she can let her thoughts go any forward he’s leaning closer and she’s leaning forward, anticipation of what to come coursing wildly through her veins.

Their lips meet and the rabbit is all but forgotten in her hands because how could she think about anything but how his lips feels pressed up against her own? The rabbit is nothing compared to the feeling of Ben’s hands tangling in her hair and she needs to be closer, needs to feel her skin against his but then their pulling away hesitantly to catch air.

It’s their first kiss but it's certainly not the last. 

 

ix.

The first time he mentions his parents they’re walking around the perimeter together, leaves crunching beneath their feet, while the sun shines down on them. He’s telling her about his past how he grew up idolizing his father and how in the end he was only let down, leaving his mom to pick up the pieces and amending the disappointment every time one of their father/son adventures were canceled. Told her about how eventually his mom was just too busy with her campaign for mayor and that his main support system became his uncle Luke.

She watched from the corner of her eye as his lips turned downwards into a frown, how is eyes became sad, as he accounted all the times he had let his uncle down; a ‘Guess I was a lot like my father after all’ spoken as if it was a joke but she could tell that deep down he believed it to be true to some extent.

Somewhere in between the mention of a mistake he made and when he enlisted in the army she had took his hand in hers, letting their fingers interlock and not letting go till they went back inside.

As she laid in bed that night watching as he closed his eyes and falling into a deep slumber she realizes that she loves him.

The next day she repays the favor telling him about herself. Tells him about how she fell apart when the outbreak happened and not because she was scared (which she was) but because she wanted her family back, about how every time she saw a brunette walker with a green sweater from behind she’d hesitate – her hands shaking – till she realized it wasn’t her mother, and tells him the real reason why her room had so many vertical lines marring her walls.

This time it’s him who initiates the hand holding as she tells him that he makes everything a little more bearable, about how he keeps the night terrors at bay.

 

x.

“Go— Rey, go!”

No, she means to scream it but the word gets stuck in her throat and comes out as a choked sob. There’s no way that she’s going to leave him for dead, she won’t allow him to risk his life for her. Instead of fleeing in the opposite direction like Ben wants she rushes forward to help, her knife sinking into the heads of any walker that gets in her way as she pushes forward to get to him.

“Rey—Please— _GO_!” Each word punctuated by a gunshot as he kills the walkers that are closing in on him but she’s there impaling each zombie she can with a slink of her hand but she knows there’s no way out; no way out where they both survive.

She won’t leave him.

“Rey—” He’s pleading with her but she can’t do it, won’t do it. Not if she can help it.

Her eyes catch behind him and see another small herd on its way, it may be small but it adds to the impossibility of both of them getting out of here alive and he’s still surrounded by them and there’s too many between them for her to be able to help. The severity of the situation really hits her and he catches her eye for a brief moment and she doesn’t miss the grief that fills them. He wants her to leave and she doesn’t want to leave him behind but… “Please Rey.”

That’s all it takes, those final pleading words, and if she wants to leave it’s now or never.

And then she’s gone and she can’t bring herself to look back, refusing to watch the inevitable; of him getting overtaken by the dead. Till he becomes one himself.

It’s hours later and the sun is setting when she finally stops to set up camp, that’s when it finally hits her, and her heart is breaking.

She never got to tell him that she loved him.


	2. chapter two.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm absolutely thrilled with the love that you guys gave the first chapter, it means so much! I also want to apologize for how long it took me to get this next one posted. Originally I had planned to get it up a lot quicker but real life caught up and made my chances to sit down and write very limited but I hope this was worth the wait and if all goes well the next part should be up a lot sooner.

i.

After the initial outbreak being alone had become second nature to Rey, it was another extension of her new life and perhaps it was made easier because she could trick herself into believing that her parents would return. It gave her something to wait for, a purpose of sorts. Instead of giving up she would get out of bed each day because she couldn’t afford to die not when she had a reason to live, it didn’t matter that deep down she knew the odds of them coming back weren’t in her favor.

What she hadn’t been expecting, however, was for Ben to crash into her life as suddenly and unexpectedly as he had. With his presence he made her realize that being alone was no way to live and she fooled herself into believing that it was Rey and Ben against the world, that they might be a permanent fixture in each other’s lives but she should’ve known better; should’ve known that there was no other way for it to end, not in a world where living every day was a gamble. It wasn’t all about skill – not really – when it came down to it all you needed was for luck to be in your favor. That day neither of them won, neither of them were lucky.

Now she was alone again and while she may technically be alive she didn’t feel like she was, she felt like one of the monsters that had taken away the one person who brought her happiness in a world where happiness was rare. Ever since she has been ambling without purpose and all the days since have blended together. She isn’t sure how long it’s been and truthfully, she doesn’t want to know because knowing would only put into perspective how many days she’s lived while he did not.

Maybe it’s her desperate need for something to do or her grief but she wakes up and decides that she’s going to go back to the place where it all started. Home. It’s been long enough that maybe it’s safe enough to return and if she’s being honest with herself a big factor to why she wants to go back there is because she knows that in their hasty retreat Ben had left behind a lot of his belongings – she did too – and she just wants to have something of his. Anything.

She doesn’t need anything to remember him by, how could she possibly forget a single thing about him? But she thinks that maybe it’ll help calm her.

 

ii.

It’s a long journey but eventually she’s standing in front of her childhood home and she wants to walk through the threshold, she really does but instead she finds herself glued to the ground below incapable of making the short distance from outside to inside. It shouldn’t be this difficult but it is and maybe it’s because this place reminds her of how much she has truly lost to the brutality of the world. Even so she forces herself to face it because she’s here with the sole purpose of trying to ease the pain she feels in the only way she can.

With her staff she uses it to knock against the edge of the doorframe hoping to draw the attention of any walkers that might be taking up vacancy in this home that is full of metaphorical ghosts, because everywhere she looks there’s a memory that refuses to be forgotten. Nothing approaches and once she deems it relatively safe she takes a deep breath before walking in and shutting the door carefully behind her.

The moment she does she’s assaulted by memories, no matter where she looks she can recall a memory that leaves her feeling a dangerous mix of depression and nostalgia. Each room holds stories and she knows that she can’t stay here it will only have her spiraling deeper into dangerous territory. Still, she will get what she came for and leave more prepared than she was when she entered. After all her backpack that rests on her shoulders is light and almost entirely empty space.

She walks up the steps and listens to them as they creak below her weight, it’s a welcoming sound after what she assumes has been months of only hearing the groaning sounds of walkers and silence. That deadly silence. Ahead of her is the room that once became theirs and slowly became a mixture of both their belongings. She reminds herself that she doesn’t want to stay here any longer than she has to and walks quickly into the room letting her eyes glance around and fall onto the backpack that was once Ben’s, the same one that he hadn’t been able to grab before they had to leave.

Grabbing the handle she drags it with her so she can sit on her bed as she digs through the contents. There’s a couple water bottles, a can opener, a first aid kit, and some ammo. There’s absolutely nothing personal and while she should’ve expected this it’s just too much and for the first time she allows herself to breakdown, a steady flow of tears falling down her face. She’s tried so hard to stay strong and maintain her composure but she can’t anymore so she lets herself cry till there’s no more tears left.

 

iii.

Just like before Rey has no destination in mind so as long as it’s away, far from the one place she thought she would never want to leave. It was funny, not haha funny but a sad funny, how suddenly things can change. It’s then that she hears distant voices and her whole body just freezes. A sudden panic taking hold and she quietly hides behind a tree, with her back pressing up against the rough bark hoping to listen in to gauge whether or not the people are an imminent threat to her safety. Part of her prays to whatever divine being might be listening that these people will go in the opposite direction but she knows that no one is ever that lucky especially when the voices close in on her, the footsteps getting louder and louder with each thump of her racing heart.

She needs to think fast which had never been a problem before but from what she can tell there’s at least three different voices, meaning there’s three or more people against her. It decreases her odds significantly but she is smart, this she knows, and despite what one may think she’s strong. She has forged her body into a weapon. A weapon that wasn’t necessarily set to kill but to protect herself with whatever means required. All she needed was to catch them off guard and knock them out to allow herself enough time to flee without them being able to track her whereabouts.

Three deep breaths, as she calculates how long it’ll be before they’re about to cross her path and how many seconds she needs before she needs to pounce out of her hiding spot. Thankfully, her staff is in hand – it may not be the original one which was left behind in the cottage Ben and her were maintaining shelter in – but it’s just as good, if not more stable. The footsteps are loud and the voices are louder and then she’s jumping out swinging her staff but she can’t bring herself to swing it at anyone’s head. Not yet. She doesn’t know if they’re even a danger.

Just like that there’s a gun pointed in her direction but she’s not scared, “Drop your weapon.” She says with ease and her free hand is ghosting over the gun in the holster at her side. She doesn’t want to use it if she doesn’t have to. “I don’t want to kill you.”

She watches as the man whose fingers are inching closer to the trigger and without thinking it through she’s got both hands on her staff and hurling it at his head knocking him to the ground, the gun falling with him and she kicks it out of reach from the other man and woman that looks ready to fight. They pull out their own guns but before she can do anything a third person, she hadn’t accounted for, comes out of nowhere and the man, with the gun aimed between her eyes, falls to the ground. The woman starts to flee and Rey doesn’t stop her, maybe she should flee too but before she can the newest addition is speaking.

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah… Thank you?” It comes out as a question because she isn’t sure whether or not he did her a favor, he could be dangerous, but then he’s smiling a genuine one that reaches his eyes and she decides that maybe she’s okay.

“We should get out of here, before they regain consciousness.” She’s not sure why but she follows him without hesitation.

 

iv.

Rey later learns that his name is Finn and he’s looking for his friend Poe, he tells her that they got split up while they were on a supply run but they were smart enough to plan for a situation like this. They had agreed on a destination that they would go to in case they couldn’t stick together and Finn invites her. With some hesitation she agrees but mostly because she’s got nothing better to do but what she doesn’t tell him is that deep down she thinks it’s a waste of time, hoping for something that wasn’t going to happen; that his friend is probably dead.

As the sun starts to set they agree that it’s time to call it a night and find shelter. They reach a small town, and it’s got a few walkers that are heading towards them, they each take out two and then the street is cleared. Before they reach a residential street they’re going through the downtown street that is full of stores, one of which is a small pharmacy and they make a quick pit stop in it for whatever medical supplies they can find. You can never have too many because you’ll never know when it’ll come in handy.

They both fill up their packs and meet up outside to continue on. Finn chatters on about Poe, tells the story about how Finn had got swept up in a group that lacked morality. The group was led by a man named Morter who never did anything without getting something in return and would take anything that he wanted, mostly the weapons and supplies from others that crossed his path. He tells her that while he knew that the group was no good he knew he was safe but eventually he had enough of their brutality and lack of remorse. It was after he left that he ran into Poe who was on a supply run for a community that called themselves the Resistance and that Finn could come with him. At the end of his tale Finn smiled widely and informed her that she could join the community if she wanted.

“Maybe.” Rey replied softly and wondered why she didn’t instantly say yes, didn’t she want to be a part of something? To not be alone?

The first house they spotted became their shelter for the night before they headed out to go to the location where they would either find Poe or wait out his arrival.

 

v.

Finn and Rey approach the crumbling church hesitantly, she suspects for entirely different reasons. For her the hesitation stems from the simple fact that she doesn’t know what they’re about to walk into, for all she knows they might walk into a trap but as she glances over at her companion it doesn’t take much to know that he’s anxious – and she really doesn’t blame him – because he’s expecting to find Poe behind those paint chipped doors and if he’s not there it might lead him to believe what Rey herself already thinks; that he’s gone.

They walk up the steps stopping only when the reach the doors that is a barrier from them and whatever they might find. Her eyes don’t miss the way Finn’s hand is ghosting over the handle, lingering and never making the move to open it. He’s nervous and she reaches out putting her hand over his, shaking her head when he looks over at her, because he doesn’t have to do this alone and with that she opens it for him.

They are greeted by the sound of a gurgle that can only belong to a walker and she can see in her peripheral vision the way Finn halts and she wonders briefly if this walker was once Poe, the man that clearly means a lot to him, but she catches the way he lets out a relieved breath and wastes no time before he’s putting the walker down; the body falling to the ground in a loud thump.

“We’ll wait here for a day and then we’ll go.” He says suddenly and the way he words it tells her that there is no room for discussion, they’re doing this or she can go off on her own but it doesn’t matter because she’s going to stay and who can blame him for wanting to hold out hope?

As they wait, sprawled out on the church pews, Finn starts asking her questions about her and while she knew she couldn’t avoid it forever she’s still dreading the fact that the time had come much sooner than she’d like. It wasn’t that she didn’t trust him or want to share things with him because that wasn’t the case. She liked him, he was nice and provided her with a sense of comfort that comes when you’re with a friend. Despite the quick friendship that formed it didn’t change the fact that talking about herself lead to dangerous territory, to wounds that were still fresh and she didn’t, couldn’t, reopen them.

“Were you with anyone before?”

There’s the question she was dreading and she wants to flee, to run till the words are forgotten.

“Yeah,” She nods letting her eyes flick away from him and onto the alter in front of them, “His name was Ben.” If Finn noticed the way her voice cracked on ‘was’ he didn’t point it out.

“Oh.” He replies and she can feel his eyes searching her face and he must find what he’s looking for because he’s smiling at her but it’s the kind where sadness is creeping up the edges tainting the smile with the understanding and pity that comes along with a confession like hers.

There’s a lot she could tell Finn, a lot she could say about Ben and what he meant to her.

She could tell Finn that there was a sadness in him, a sadness in her, and in those silent moments they didn’t mend each other but they eased the pain. Placated the same loneliness and despair that ebbed through their veins.

She could tell Finn that since the outbreak she didn’t miss music but she did miss Ben’s melodious laugh and sometimes when she was on the cusps of sleep when the edges of darkness started to take over she’d hear that laugh echoing throughout her and for just that moment she could pretend. Pretend that he was there with her but then she’d wake up and she was alone.

Instead she says, “I miss him.”

 

vi.

Hours have gone by before they are greeted with heavy steps coming from outside the church that shelters them and Rey sits up straighter with her hand grabbing for her staff but Finn is jumping up from his pew going into the aisle when the door gets yanked open. Light spills into the once dark confines and there’s a man standing in the middle of the door way.

She’s about to stand up with her weapon pointed in his direction but then Finn is running towards the stranger and the stranger is running towards him, it isn’t long before they’re in a tight embrace. This must be Poe.

“My jacket--- Keep it, it suits you.”

There is a pang that erupts within that bears too many similarities to jealously, that sinful emotion that twists and coils in her till the emotion has corrupted every sane part of her. It doesn’t matter that she knows it’s unreasonable, and while she is happy for her new friend she can’t help the jealously that consumes her because while Finn is holding someone so dear to him she’s left observing the heartfelt reunion and having to smother the memories that are demanding to be remembered. Memories of the dreadful screaming coming from her own vocal chords till her lungs were burning, of the tears that refused to stop flowing till there were no more tears left to cry, and most of all the memories of a loss that she hasn’t healed from. 

She doesn’t have time for sadness but she feels it anyways.

 

vii.

The next couple days are a whirlwind.

Once the trio walk through the secure gates she is thrusted into something she wasn’t prepared for and she’s overwhelmed by just how many people have come together, to create this little community, and it’s the closest she’s gotten to civilization since the initial outbreak. She meets Leia, a friendly woman who by all intents and purposes runs the community.

Leia welcomes her into the community and she must see the hesitation that flits over her features because she quickly adds, “You can stay here as long as you want.” It’s both an offer to stay and a reminder that she’s not being held here, that she can leave whenever she feels like it.

It’s a week before she decides that as much as she loves the semblance of normality that the gates provide her she didn’t like to be caged in all the time, needed out, especially after years of caging herself into what she thought was her home but was actually just four walls and a roof. It lost its homeliness the day that her parents left and never returned. After a talk with Leia about it she was immediately added to the group of “runners” that were tasked with the job of going outside the walls to bring back supplies. The group of runners are split into smaller task groups and she – _thankfully_ – gets put with Finn and Poe, the two people she feels the most comfortable around.

They’re on their first run together as a team and for the first time since Ben she feels calm, that she belongs. Maybe it’s Finn and Poe’s cheerful demeanors that soothe some of the ache within her but perhaps it’s because she feels like she belongs. That she has a purpose and perhaps a family of sorts.

 

viii.

The Resistance had in their possession a large map of the surrounding community and on that map there’s a series of red circles, all of which signal a place that they’ve deemed important, the places where they go to find certain supplies. It doesn’t mean those places are safe because danger comes when you least expect it so with some hesitance as they approach their destination they huddle together to come up with a game plan, it reminds her of high school and that one football game her dad made her to go to where they watched as both teams huddled together before they parted making some loud whooping noise and if it wasn’t a dire situation maybe one of them would’ve ended their pep talk with a similar closing but instead they just pull apart nodding to each other with solemn expressions—At least Rey’s is, Poe is wearing a small smile and Finn is too.

It’s decided that Poe is going to go in first to check if it’s all clear and signal them in, they wait patiently and Poe’s standing in the open doorway waving them in silently. Rey and Finn don’t hesitate before they’re walking in immediately grabbing whatever they think is worth lugging back, mostly food and water. They work silently but suddenly they hear a noise because they all look up at each other from where they’re standing listening more prominently and sure enough the noise continues. This isn’t good.

The noise doesn’t sound like the familiar noises that come from the walkers and honestly Rey would rather face walkers because at least she knows what to expect from them. Finn and Rey spare a glance at each other and then nod, a silent message shared between them before they’re heading towards the back of the building where Poe is behind a shelf.

They’re ducking behind it, masking their presence and Finn looks over at them with a finger placed in front of his lips, as if they need a reminder to stay as quiet as humanly possible, when they hear the jingle of the door opening. Hiding isn’t the best method but it’s what they’re going to do, no jumping into danger unless they have to.

“--- _Will you just shut up for a second_?”

But that’s before she hears it, the startling familiar voice, and without thinking it through she throws whatever sanity she might have left to the wind because she’s jumping up and out of her hiding spot. There’s three guns aimed at her head but it doesn’t matter.

It can’t be, she thinks to herself but she’d recognize those eyes anywhere and before anyone can react she’s hurling her body towards the man in front, not paying any mind to the people that are directly behind him. She’s lost all rationality, this much she knows but there’s a clatter of his weapon falling to the ground and her arms are wrapped around him with her face pressed tightly against his chest and she’s sobbing quietly.

She’s a mess but she couldn’t care less. It’s him.

It’s Ben and she doesn’t care if she’s gone crazy because if this is what being crazy entails than she never wants to be sane.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did you all enjoy that ending? :)


	3. chapter three.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is long overdue and I'm so sorry for leaving you all hanging for as long as I did. I'm not entirely happy with how this chapter turned out but I hope you still enjoy it. Also this is un-beta'd so if there's any mistakes I'm sorry.

i.  
  
They are a tangle of limbs awkwardly positioned as Ben leans down, his body all encompassing, and she’s crying. An act she can only register because her cheeks are damp and she can feel the wetness seep into his shirt, she doesn’t move though because he’s holding her tightly; as if he’s terrified that if his grip on her loosens he might lose her and it only makes her hold on tighter. Her hands gripping the fabric of his shirt tightly and he’s leaning down with his face pressed against the top of her head mumbling “ **_Rey_ ** .  **_Rey_ ** .  **_Rey_ ** .” Over and over like a prayer, as if she’s a divine being and her name is holy.

His voice, desperate and full of wonder, pulls her gently from that dreamlike haze that had settled over her allowing her -- for the first time since she first heard his voice only moments ago -- to comprehend that he isn’t just a phantom ghost materializing to help her cope with the vast emptiness that grew with his absence; when she thought he was  **_dead_ ** . It allows her to take him in and leaves her struck by just how much he has changed. How his hair has grown, falling long past his chin and brushing the tops of his shoulder and how his scruff has grown but despite how he’s physically changed in a lot of ways he’s the same. 

Rey can feel the wide smile that is taking up the entirety of her face because while she had dreamt of a situation just like this in her dreams (hundreds of times over) nothing lives up to this. None of them ever could because this time was real. 

“It’s really you. I thought you were dead, Ben.” There’s something about these words that causes a shift and for a brief second she thinks she sees guilt cross his features but before she can process this information she can hear Finn from behind her. “That’s Ben?” The innocent question causes the two people from directly behind Ben to raise their guns and point them directly to the right of her where she assumes her friend is standing. Just as she’s about to assure them that it’s okay, that he is not a danger to them and to ask them to put down their weapons, the red-headed man with Ben speaks. “Whose Ben?” It’s a question that throws her off base and has her features furrowing in confusion. 

She looks to Ben for some kind of explanation but all he offers her in return is ‘I go by Kylo now’ and leaves her wondering why but before she can ask there’s a distinct  thump against the glass door that reminds them all of the world they live in now as they look towards a giant herd that had congregated outside while they were distracted.  
  


ii.

It’s decided that all of them – Rey, Kylo, Poe, Finn, Hux, and Phasma – will stay in an empty house for the night. Which is how she finds herself crouching down in front of Kylo (the name still sounding terribly wrong) who has blood caked into his skin and she brings up the rag, that she had warmed up, and rubs it over his skin trying to get the worst of it off and she can feel his eyes burning holes into her. She wants to look up but she doesn’t instead she focuses on how his skin glistens with drops of water.  Once she’s done she drops the rag and closes her eyes for a second as she takes a deep breath and wills all her thoughts away before standing up and making her way to the bed where he’s still sat on the edge. 

She crawls in and feels him settle in behind her and pulls her in, their legs tangling together as he lets his fingers slide up and down her arms mindlessly. There’s a silence that has settled in between them since they arrived that isn’t due to lack of things to say but instead of speaking she keeps quite, scared that the accusation that has been lingering on the tip of her tongue ever since the elation of seeing him alive wore down, would shatter this moment that should have left her feeling ecstatic. Instead she swallows down any words and turns around to face him.   
  
"So Kylo, huh?" The words are whispered into the juncture of his collarbones as he runs a hand through her hair.    
  
For a long while she's met with only silence that lulls her slowly into a sleep but before it consumes her she thinks she hears the faint sound of him talking. “Ben has been dead for a while."

 

iii.

When she wakes it's to the startling feeling of coldness and the empty pillow beside her. In a swift moment she's jumping up with panic taking hold until her eyes fall onto Kylo; the sight invoking a breath of relief.  He’s sitting at the end of the bed, his head cradled in his hands, she crawls across the bed until she is behind him placing a warm hand on his back in a comforting gesture. She can feel him take an intake of breath and watches as he looks over his shoulder his eyes searching her face and they're filled with something dark and sad, it makes her ache and endlessly wish there was something she could do. 

Instead she reaches forward letting her fingers drag through his hair that has since grown long, cascading past his neck and curling at the ends. “Your hair is long.” She states as if it's important, it's not much but the things she wants to say gets stuck in her throat and the words won't come out.  _ Why didn't you come after me?  _ The words are loud in her head and she winces at the thought of them. 

  
He doesn't answer her but she hadn’t really expected him to. She wonders if he can sense all the unsaid words between them, if he knows and feels the invisible wall between them.

 

iv.

“Kylo.” She mumbles out with hesitance because Rey is still unsure if voicing her thoughts is a good idea. His hand stills from where it had been playing with loose strands of her hair that fell from her three bun hairstyle, but continues seconds later. “Yeah?”

“Did you even look for me?” There it is, the accusation that has been lingering on the tip of her tongue ever since the elation of seeing him alive wore down, the same accusation that she has been hesitant to make because she loves him and it’s easier to live in denial than to face it. To face the possibility that he hadn’t bothered to look for her. He had told her Phasma and Hux had saved him shortly after she fled per his request. Even if he hadn’t she would’ve known, after all he couldn’t have last much longer on his own. Which meant this: He could’ve went after her. She hadn’t went far once she had reached safety and collapsed.

He could’ve found her.

He could’ve tried.

“Rey—” She doesn’t let him finish because she knows, he doesn’t need to say it because the truth is there in his tone. He doesn’t need to say it because she knows the answer is ‘ _No_ ’.

“Don’t.” The word is spat out and she takes a giant step back because she can’t be near him, she can’t look at him, because he left her. He went in the opposite direction away from her and never bothered.  
  
There’s a fleeting moment where she wishes she never met him but it doesn’t last longer than a second, a second that causes her immense pain and regret for even letting the words form in her head. “Why?” It’s a quiet mutter that she doesn’t let him answer before she turns away and puts distance between them as she tries desperately to come to terms with the obvious rift that has settled between them.   


**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading and I hope you enjoyed it. There will be another chapter, maybe two more, and honestly kudos and comments might make me finish it quicker.


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